in a relationship with online
thoughts on Instagram and the use of social media
Last week I fell for a phishing scam, and lost access to my Instagram account. Almost immediately, I felt a great sense of loss, and at the same moment, a great sense of relief.
My relationship with Instagram and social media has always been challenging. I dislike the addictive nature of social media, the constant need to be plugged-in and relevant. I’ve never felt the need to post intimate details of my life, choosing instead to build relationships with friends offline (coincidently, my two closest friends do not use social media). When I joined the Peace Corps, I was excited to use the platform to share my journey and travels, and posted pictures and an inconsistent blog of my experience. Upon returning to the States, I posted sporadically, before ultimately submitting my last post in July of 2018. As my creative practice expanded and I began taking my art more seriously, I knew it was time to return to the app, in order to expand my circle, take up more space, and create a level of vulnerability I have always feared online. I jokingly assigned my tech-savvy sister as my “social media manager”, and intentionally posted, sharing my me-mades and personal milestones. But I was still uncomfortable, not finding the genuine connection I long strive for in friendships.
This past week, once I realized what happened, my immediate reaction was loss, and anger. The individual hacked my account, through another hacked account, and messaged me on Whatsapp, offering a fee of $400 to get it back. I flatly refused and signed off, wishing them luck in being a better human in their life. What a violation of privacy, to risk someone’s personal safety and security (what if I was a full time artist whose sole income was based on this account? what if I had children, whose privacy was now at risk?) just for a few hundred dollars. I can only hope such a toxic individual can heal in their own way. I was also saddened by the loss of community I was slowly trying to build, especially in the middle of a quilt fundraiser I am facilitating. With the loss of prospective side business I was developing, how would I get the same momentum back?
My second, almost immediate reaction, was a sense of relief. Instagram is a loud, abrasive, harsh, and unkind world. There are beautiful, calm, and inspiring corners, but it is only through carefully curation are you able to find these accounts. The false anonymity behind the screen grants permission for people to say their most intrusive thoughts, spreading hate and falsehoods, a trait we saw heightened during the last two election cycles. I often feel myself sucked into this world, unable to stop scrolling through comments, flicking my thumb through the feed, hungry for more more more. I caught myself chasing “likes”, checking how many followers I was accruing, staging my art so more people would interact with my posts. On the train home that evening, without Instagram to distract me, I gazed out the window, and I was reminded again of how I dislike the intense sensation of always being on my phone. I got married this weekend, a small intimate ceremony with parents in our house, and each moment was punctuated with a quick jerk reaction to take photos and add to my stories. Each reminder I wasn’t able to was a deeper sigh of relief. Where did this need to share a deeply personal moment online come from? Why did I want to share this with the online community, but was so resistant to a large wedding, because we didn’t want attention or fuss? I am blessed with many wonderful friends and loved ones, who I know want to see the out of focus pictures of my wedding. And they will, but it won’t be for the “likes”.
Through much trial and error this evening, I was able to get back in (side rant, Meta does not make this easy! Their online portal was quite confusing). Thankfully, the hacker doesn’t seem to have actually done anything, so I can carry on (once I updated 2 factor authentication and removed all mention of their impact). But even within 5 minutes of scrolling, I was bombarded and overstimulated by the sheer volume of content. Years ago, upon returning to the States from Ukraine, we stepped into a mega Target and had to step outside right away - the lights and sounds and consumption and options were overwhelming. This was much the same.
My relationship with Instagram will continue to evolve, but I am committed, as we close out this year and move into the next, to relocate intimacy back into my personal life, and dedicate my social media to my Art Practice. I have so much to share with the world, I need to remain focused on my goals, and not allow myself to become distracted by the noise.
a shadow cast
a lace sleeve